All my life, competition was everything everywhere all the time. If a peer got a 99% on a test, I needed to ensure I got a 100%. If someone got a 100%, I had to ensure I found some way to get a higher score. If I was not the best at something, I was nothing. If I was not perfect, I felt like nothing. Every smile, every score, every time someone told me good job, every moment of my parents or anyone telling me how proud they were of me was the moment that made me finally feel satisfied with myself. I loved receiving smiles; I thought that was the best way to tell if one was ever good enough for anything. It finally meant that someone was satisfied with me, so I was satisfied with myself. Only then would I finally be perfect, and just finally would I be happy.
In the ninth grade, I was accepted into a prestigious school with perfect scores, perfect essays, and a perfect smile. I was finally in the ideal environment, as it was the best place to be in the county. I loved everything about the school and how many friends I made so quickly, as I could adapt to the environment well. However, the fact that I was the only Indian girl and even the only brunette made me projectedly stand out in a crowd full of Caucasian people. Hanging out with the wealthiest families in America, I realized that if I needed to be perfect in this environment, I had to be just like everyone else. I had to look, act, and talk just like them because only then would I fit in and be perfect for them. Every time I cut my hair, thinned my eyebrows, followed all of the current trends, bleached my skin, or even practiced in front of the mirror how to speak, laugh, react, and respond just like them, I was just one step away of feeding to that thrilling chase of satisfaction. Only then would I receive a genuine smile of satisfaction, not just from anyone else but also from me. Only then would I be finally perfect, right?
By sophomore year, I still loved to run in this obsessive chase. However, there were so many times I noticed my so-called friends making fun of me for my thick bushy eyebrows and my too-long hair or would wonder if I shaved my hairy mustache that day or that I disgustingly smelled like curry. After everything I have done to fit into the European standards of “perfection,” I was still laughed at. It constantly made me wonder why people asked such stereotypical questions about my Indian heritage and culture. It led to the question of why people were beginning to hurt me and bully me by making jokes about my appearance. Have I not lost myself enough for their satisfaction?
At that moment, I started to question everything because even though I gave my life away to please others, it still did not make others happy. Instead of smiles, I received snickering and mean jokes playing at me simply for how I looked. I did not know what else to give or do because it was still not enough for them and, honestly, for me. After losing everything, I plainly still was not enough for anyone anymore. And so, it made me wonder, what was ever enough for me? When was I ever truly satisfied with myself? When did I smile because of how happy I was for myself?
It was then that I noticed that I do not believe I ever was happy with myself as I was always running, chasing, and sprinting for the approval of others. I thought once I satisfied everyone else, I would only then be happy and satisfied.
But honestly, will I ever be satisfied? This direct question kept ticking and scratching my brain until I noticed how I genuinely have spent my entire life living for others’ approval and never ultimately for me. After this moment, I was awestruck as the way I perceived life switched as if I could finally turn on the light from tirelessly running in a dark and shallow room. I finally could see how the environment around me simply did not make me happy, as I was constantly harassed and bullied with judgmental and microaggressive racist remarks. Interestingly, it was also these unfortunate moments that invited me to understand the way I perceive life.
For the first time, I did one thing that eventually pivoted my life for the better: I left everything. I left the school and the life I worked so hard to get as I finally discovered that I was not living at all but merely existing for other people’s satisfaction. Only then did my life truly begin.
That was when I conclusively understood Confucious’s quote, “We all have two lives… the second begins when we realize we only have one.” Like this quote, it was at that moment when I finally understood that the accountability I now hold as I understand how valuable life can truly be. The most freeing moment of my life was when I finally answered this question as I learned that the true and fundamental purpose of life is that we are simply meant to live and that we do not need to prove anything to feel satisfied. We are already enough for ourselves, and that is the only approval and satisfaction that we need. All we really need to do is focus on the improvement of our lives and not the provement we believe we have to accomplish.
This life of mine is simply mine, and that is the only thing that ultimately matters.
